For years, the simple act of using toilet paper alone was not efficient or practical. I had always felt that there was a bit more to be done in order to feel totally clean and know that I had completed the mission satisfactorily. After all (and realistically speaking) one cannot take a shower every time one moves one's bowels!
When I was on the radio back in Boston, I never talked about this problem publicly, because I figured that was more "Howard Stern" territory. But truth be told, sometimes I found myself wishing that I lived in Europe where many households have bidets as a standard feature in their bathrooms.
And then, a few years ago, as if in answer to my years of futile praying, along came a product that was unceremoniously stacked on supermarket shelves across America--Kimberly Clark (the Kleenex company) premiered Cottonelle flushable wipes!
and Another Thing…
This was quickly followed by several other companies who now sell this hygienic product--a product which is seldom discussed publicly--but which all of the major grocery and pharmacy chain stores have available. Many stores now sell their own brands, which are just as efficient (and much cheaper) than the big-name brands.
I am not sure how to end this thought, but I think you get what I'm saying. If I were sure I could disguise my identity, I would do a radio testimonial for this product. It would go viral on YouTube and would get thousands of positive comments from thousands of anonymous users.
At first I was going to suggest getting your loved one a case of these flushable wipes for a gift. It's thoughtful, practical and certainly cheaper than buying a porcelain bidet. But then I remembered the repercussions once, long ago, when I got "her" a vacuum cleaner for Valentine's Day. Not a good idea.
I suggest that if you do go in that direction, maybe there should also be a pretty pearl necklace tucked inside the box.
This opinion column is written by Charles Laquidara, who has lived on Maui for over 11 years. He worked at WBCN radio in Boston for 30 years as the morning-drive host of a show called "The Big Mattress" and is occasionally heard on Mana'o Radio here on-island. Email firstname.lastname@example.org