Don’t let your fears sabotage your success.I sometimes teach at an entrepreneurial training program, which is designed to assist the participants in identifying their dreams and building a business around their goals and passions. Some of the questions we focus on are: “What is your passion? What do you want to create?” and “Why do you want to achieve that goal?”
I’d like to think that knowing what we want is an easy thing to establish, but for many, these are very difficult questions. However, most of the attendees already have an idea of what they want to do and why—they were taking the training to figure out how.
What they aren’t expecting is when I ask them, “Why don’t you want to achieve your goals?”
Whenever I ask this question, people look at me shocked, like I am crazy. We tend to put so much effort into trying to achieve our goals that we never even stop to consider whether or why on some level we might not want to achieve them. The truth is though, that we often do have valid reasons for not wanting what we claim we want. If we don’t take a look at those hidden reasons, they will emerge anyhow in the form of self-sabotage.
When my goal was to publish Intellectual Foreplay, I explored the reasons why I didn’t want to publish it. What emerged was my concern about the kind of attention I would get as the author of a book with such a provocative title (even though it is a practical tool). By knowing what was holding me back, I was able to strategize ways to protect my marriage and myself, rather than letting my fears sabotage my success.
Let’s look at how this impacts relationships. When we are single, we may claim that we want to be in a relationship; maybe marriage is even the goal. When we stop to consider why we might not actually want to have a relationship, some very interesting answers may appear. “I like the freedom I have and don’t want to compromise,” or “I don’t want to have to clean up after anyone or answer to anyone.”
Perhaps the concern is over monogamy: “I don’t want to be with only one person for the rest of my life.” Maybe it’s fear: “I am afraid if I love fully, I am vulnerable to being hurt.” Maybe the reason is self-esteem based: “I don’t believe I’ll ever find someone who truly loves me,” or, “I don’t believe I deserve love.” Maybe our reasons for not wanting a relationship are based in responsibility: “I don’t want to be responsible for a family.” I’m sure you get the idea. There are actually a lot of valid reasons that someone single might not want a relationship.
For those of us who are married, when we hit difficult times, we may claim we want to make the relationship work, but if asked, “Why don’t you want to make it work?” we can probably generate a number of similar reasons not to stay married, perhaps adding, “I don’t want to work that hard.” Or perhaps the issue is exactly the opposite. We may claim we want to be single/divorced, but when faced with the question, “Why don’t you want to get divorced?” a myriad of reasons arise: “I’m afraid of making it alone financially,” “I’m afraid of growing old alone,” “I don’t want to be a single parent,” “I don’t want to start dating again.”
When we take the time to look at why we don’t want what we claim we want, we may well discover why we haven’t achieved it. The benefit of this is that when we know more about the truth of how we feel, we can make a choice about whether we want to honor our fears or honor our goals. Perhaps we will even decide to simply honor what is.
When we know the whole truth of what we are feeling, we can then use that knowledge to strategize solutions.
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Why don’t you want a relationship?
Love Tip of the Week:
Our fears will continue to affect us even if we don’t consciously know they are there. Solutions, however, need to be conscious.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.