The sexual content of my girlfriend’s messages to her female friend has me worried. Will her “virtual dating” lead to the real thing?Hello Eve,
I came across your Website and think you have a lot of great insights on so many issues. I have been in a relationship for many years with a beautiful woman and we have two kids together. We never got married, but have been together the whole time. Our relationship has its sexual problems of two working parents and not enough time for each other, but I have never been jealous or worried that she would cheat on me, ever. She went out a few months ago with some friends and met a younger female who she has been talking with a lot lately. I recently found that she is sending emails and texts that are very sexual in nature to this other woman. Enough that if it was with another man I would leave her. The other woman lives in another country, but the texting and emails are getting closer to online dating, and they even talk of meeting in another country while on vacation together. The thing that I guess bothers me the most is not knowing anymore when we are together if she is thinking of me or her. The texting proves that minutes after hanging out with me at night she is talking dirty to this other girl in our bed while I’m in the other room. She says it is innocent fun, but is extremely protective and even defensive to the point of starting an argument because she won’t talk about it.
Anything back would help.
Aloha
Here is what you need to consider... if your partner is convinced she wants to experiment or have a relationship with another woman, would you still want to stay with her? Is it possible for you to imagine being in a relationship with her while she is messing around with another woman?
You basically have four options to this situation—negotiate for change, resist what is and stay in the relationship, accept what is and stay in the relationship or get out.
You can attempt to negotiate with her to stop, however, she has to want to stop in order for that to work. The problem is that you can’t change her—she has to do that—and the more you try to exert control or make her wrong, the more she will likely just do it behind your back. We often think we have control over other people, but in my experience, they still do what they want to do. They just get more careful about getting caught.
If you continue to stay in the relationship but “resisting what is”—being suspicious, distrusting, angry, accusing, etc.—you will only succeed in killing the love in the relationship and pushing her away.
Your other option is to “accept what is and stay in the relationship.” This requires changing you, instead of her. Since the relationship is all via text and email—the reality of which isn’t an immediate threat—one option is to take her “innocent fun” at face value. Or, you could either simply not worry about it, or join her in it, or improve the quality of your relationship so that she is less interested in looking elsewhere.
When you say your biggest concern is “not knowing anymore whether she is thinking of you or her” when she is intimate with you, notice that the truth is that you have never known what she was thinking about. If you decide to accept what is and stay in the relationship, you will want to stop tripping yourself out by second-guessing her thoughts and trying to control them. This will only cause you pain over something you cannot control and may not even be true in the first place.
If you absolutely cannot accept what your girlfriend is doing, then you have the option of getting out of the relationship. While not the option you likely want, continuing to resist what is will only destroy your relationship.
I wish you the best.
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
What are you thinking about when intimate with your partner?
Love Tip of the Week:
Control over anyone else is an illusion. Our power comes only in taking responsibility for controlling our own words, thoughts and actions.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.