I don’t have any reason not to trust my boyfriend, but I don’t.Dear Eve,
I am trying to trust my boyfriend, but I can’t help but wonder what he is doing, where he is, who he is talking to… I even wonder whether he is thinking about me or someone else. If he is late coming home from work, I am so worked up by the time he gets home, he feels like he has walked into a train wreck. I question him; he gets mad. I honestly don’t have any reason not to trust him, but I know I am pushing him away. I just don’t know what to do.
Aloha,
Often when I am coaching someone, they share a story with me about what they think their partner wants or thinks or feels or is doing that is making them upset. When I inquire as to whether they know that to be true, nine times out of ten, they do not. Often they have never even asked their partner; rather, they’re making an assumption that is making them crazy. In this case, you are making up stories that are making you crazy and questioning him, which is making him crazy. He is ultimately guilty until proven innocent.
Even if you believe it to be true, that doesn’t mean that it is. We all somehow got brainwashed to think that our beliefs are the truth (because, of course, why else would we believe them?!). In reality, however, we often discover that something we believed with all of our hearts, was not actually true—like Columbus did when the common belief about the Earth being flat was proven wrong.
A really valuable skill you can develop immediately is that of self-inquiry—noticing what you are thinking and asking yourself some very powerful questions about your thoughts.
In the words of Byron Katie, start by asking yourself, “Is this thought really true?” It is amazing how big and bad we can deem an issue, get all bent out of shape about it, maybe even teeter on the edge of a breakup over it, only to ask ourselves, “Do I know that to be true?” It is then when we may be forced to admit that we are making up a story and it is only the story, not the truth that is making us angry. The same thing would be true if you were paranoid over your boyfriend’s safety instead of fidelity. When he comes home late, you could make up stories of his being in an accident, and worry yourself silly convinced that he had been killed, when in actuality, he was just working late.
The more you practice self-inquiry, the more you may be surprised to find how little actually know about others and how much you are running your emotions on guesswork.
Ask yourself also, “Is this belief serving me?” In my experience, the stories we make up to fill in the missing information are almost always bad news.
Ironically, we can be equally inaccurate when assessing what we are truly angry about. I had a woman come to me once to tell me she wasn’t in love with her husband anymore. When we explored this “story” a bit, we found out that the truth was that she wanted to spend more time alone with him. This truth is a far cry from no longer being in love. As you practice your self-inquiry, ask yourself also if what you are saying you are upset about is even really true. You may well find that you are saying one thing, but actually truly upset about another. In your case, you may find that your real issue is not about your partner and his trustworthiness at all, but rather about your sense of worthiness. Practice growing your self-trust that you can handle whatever life deals you. When you trust yourself, trusting your partner will know longer be your focus.
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
What is really true?
Love Tip of the Week:
If you are going to make up stories and beliefs, make up the ones that serve you. Otherwise, seek the truth.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.