If you anticipate the worst, that’s probably what you’ll get.It occurred to me the other day that when love is the goal between you and another, it is best if you lay down your (emotional) weapons. Holding a baseball bat “just in case” while having a conversation with your sweetheart (or child, or parent, or…) wouldn’t set the tone for a loving harmonious outcome. But, in essence, that is what we do energetically, most especially with the people with whom we are closest.
One of the worst weapons we use is to expect the worst based on past experiences. We have a tendency to put people in a box with a label or a belief and hold them tightly with the expectation that they will stay that way—so much that even if they tried to change, we would unconsciously pummel them back into their past way of being.
For example, a child cleans his room, and instead of giving him credit for a job well done or immediately after doing so, we pummel him right back into the old way by saying something like, “I bet it doesn’t stay clean for more than an hour.” Or we use some sarcastic remark about how messy it had been or how long it had been messy—emphasizing what was, instead of what is currently true in the moment.
When I was working in the school system, I was always torn when a teacher would warn me or the other teachers about an incoming student. We would find out from the previous teachers who the troublemakers, the class clowns and the teacher’s helpers were. Of course, this can be useful information in terms of preparation, but the problem is that it makes us “hold our weapons, just in case.” We brace ourselves for what may come. When we are energetically preparing for a battle, the people with whom we are engaged can feel it and begin a defensive preparation of their own. Unfortunately, the preparation is usually to behave in the exact same, undesirable way.
I had a very difficult student when I was teaching intermediate school, who was in my class five out of six periods because he was no longer allowed to attend any of the other teacher’s classes. If he was really bad in period one, I discovered that I had the power to ensure that he was really bad in period two with the expectations and the “weapons” I held. If, when he ran back into class tardy, I launched into a tirade about how late he was and how bad he was during the last class, I virtually held him in the box of bad behavior with my expectations. If, instead, I greeted him as if I hadn’t had any previous experience with him that day and welcomed him to class like any other student, I provided him with the freedom to make a new choice. While he may still have made the decision to misbehave, this way he didn’t have to make that choice. After many trials, I finally learned that by changing what I did, I could free him to make a new choice instead of forcing him to continue with the challenging behavior.
See if you can be surprised when someone behaves badly instead of surprised when they do something right. Communicate your powerful expectation when something bad happens. Try saying, “Wow, it isn’t like you to lie to me; what is up?” instead of “See, you are such a liar, I knew I couldn’t trust you.” People tend to rise to our expectations.
Here is the good news: You can set the other person free to show up differently and set yourself free from the effort of the anxiety by simply dealing with what is actually happening (the present) rather than what you imagine might happen (the future) or what you remember happening before (the past).
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Which “weapons” are you holding—the past, anger, fear, expectations, the need to be right, judgment…?
Love Tip of the Week:
When two people are holding weapons, even energetic ones, it is only a matter of time before someone “shoots.”
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.