My girlfriend of four years just broke my heart. I can’t stop the memories. What should I do?Dear Eve
I have been brokenhearted for the last two months. My girlfriend of four years just decided to call it quits. I know you hear this all the time, but I can’t get any closure on this because she won’t take my calls, just emails me, “it’s over.” The weekends are the worst, wondering what she is doing. I know I sound pathetic, but I do have the world in my hands—many of God’s graces have finally shown up—all but a committed relationship. I really thought she would be the one I would end up with, now I can’t stop her from living rent-free in my head. I want to know how to either get her back or get closure so I can live again. Any advice, other than the usual clichés would be welcome.
Thanks, Broken Hearted
Dear Friend,
First of all, I’m so sorry that you are going through such a painful time. I don’t think there is anyone on the planet who can’t relate with the feelings you are having. So, hopefully, without the clichés, I’ll do my best to advise you. Since I don’t have any of the details about why she suddenly changed her mind, or what the quality of your relationship was prior to that, know that I can’t really help you to understand “why” this happened (although I’m betting you know), but rather how to get over it.
First, know that a period of grieving the loss is normal. A few months to grieve the loss of a few years is not unusual. Be gentle with yourself while you go through this difficult time. Be careful not to make massive decisions that will impact your life while you are feeling this way.
Second, avoid generalizations in your thinking while you are mourning: “I’ll never meet anyone as good.” “I’ll always be alone.” The “always, never, forever” words in our thoughts and statements are not only unrealistic, but depressing. When you find yourself thinking like that, check for reality and reword your thoughts to a more realistic and positive outlook. You have to trust that you will love again. There are billions of people on the planet. It would have been a cruel joke to design it so that we could only love and be loved by one.
Third, as soon as you are able, begin to have a life again. Sorry if this sounds cliché, but it is important that you cultivate your other friendships, get out and do the things you love, go to the gym, go for hikes, do whatever it is that you love to do. Begin going out on casual dates and making new friends.
Keep in mind that often it isn’t the actual relationship what we are truly mourning in a break up, but rather the loss of the fantasy of what we had hoped the relationship would become. We hope that it will last forever, that he/she will love us eternally, be faithful, respectful and kind, when in truth the quality of the actual relationship may not be that way. Often, our personal illusion of what we imagined the relationship would become is harder to let go of than the actual truth of the relationship’s quality.
I know this one is going to really sound cliche, but “this too, shall pass.” Since you have already stated that you are blessed with God’s grace, you have to trust that this, too, is a blessing, and you just don’t know why yet. The blessing is always revealed in time. Hang in there and keep counting your blessings. That is the fastest way to healing the heart!
With aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Do you prefer a relationship that is steady and consistent or one that is full of drama and changes in intensity?
Love Tip of the Week:
The root word of “emergency” is “emergence.” Trust that every tragedy or difficult time is just the transition to something new and improved. Look for what is emerging and trust the process.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.