Ask questions in order to create healthier relationships.When I was a school counselor, some sixth grade students, two 11-year-old “couples,” came to me upset because the two girls had just broken up with the two boys. When I asked what had happened, the boys explained that they had been “served papers” by the girls, and they went on to tell me why they had broken up. I stopped their explanation to ask what being “served papers” meant. They all got really embarrassed, and then one boy explained that they had been pretending that they were married, so when the girls served them the papers, the age-old game of make-believe marriage was given a new twist: they were now in the midst of a make-believe divorce. At age eleven! This is a pretty sad sign of our times.
One of the biggest mistakes we make at the beginning of a relationship is not asking enough questions. When taking on any other endeavor—a business relationship, buying a house, buying appliances—we wisely ask a whole host of questions to ensure that we make the right choice. Can you imagine buying a house because it looks good and feels good without examining the costs, the condition of the property, serious damage, needed repairs, your readiness to move, your commitment to the payments, the previous owner’s readiness to sell, what the neighbors are like, and on and on? Yet that is exactly what we do in relationships. We base our choices solely on physical attraction and emotional desire—and then can’t understand why our relationships don’t work.
Asking relevant questions in an effort to create healthier relationships is the premise of my book Intellectual Foreplay—a provocative term for the practical concept “think first.” When choosing a partner, or even when getting to know your chosen partner (or yourself) better, it is helpful to think through some important questions based on what matters to you.
There are several different lines of questions that can be explored with a new partner. Some are basic getting-to-know-each-other questions, such as:
What is your favorite way to spend your time?
What kind of movies do you like?
What do you like about your job?
Where did you grow up? What are your favorite memories?
What was your major in school? What do you enjoy learning about the most?
There are also questions about lifestyles and responsibilities:
What would your ideal house look like? Where do you want to live?
Do you have pets? What kind?
What is your favorite kind of food? Then there are the questions that reveal our deep values:
What are your spiritual beliefs?
Where do you go to find tranquility, solitude, or a connection to a Higher Power?
Are you happy with your health?
Who are your closest friends?
What’s your family like? Are you close to them?
How do you see yourself in the future?
Other questions reveal some very important realities that can deeply impact a relationship:
What do you respect about yourself?
What is your religion?
Do you consider yourself to be an honest person?
Do you use drugs?
How do you feel about marriage?
Do you want to have children?
Before we were married, my husband and I were dating long distance between California and Maui while I began writing Intellectual Foreplay. In the process of getting to know each other, we asked hundreds of people, “What do you need to know before you get seriously involved?” Everyone had an answer ranging from bathroom habits to deep spiritual philosophies to practical lifestyle inquiries. Clearly, people’s questions reflected their values reinforcing the quote from Voltaire, “Judge people not by their answers, but by their questions.”
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
What do you need to know?
Love Tip of the Week:
Pay attention not only to how another answers, but also to what they ask you.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. It is open 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.