Making wise choices is the first step…While fairy tales would have us believe that the secret to a long and lasting relationship is merely the luck of finding the right partner, we have to pause to wonder why the fairy tale always ends the minute the prince and the princess meet. What the heck happens after that glorious enchanted meeting and the ensuing wedding? What really happens during the happily-ever-after?
I’ll tell you what happens—two totally separate worlds collide and then the happy couple is forced to figure out how to mesh two different lifestyles, preferences, expectations, judgments, value systems, goals, desires, habits, beliefs, levels of emotional availability, capacities for communication, problem solving abilities and financial skills. Oh, and mental stability is a big one, too, which may well be hampered by drug and alcohol addictions and hormonal changes. Of course, all this has to happen while our bodies are aging, changing and becoming potentially less attractive over time. And, by the way, we are expected to do all this having been taught few if any relationship skills. The real magical mystery of the fairy tale is that we even manage to do this at all.
I don’t mean to be painting a dismal picture, but I do mean to say that relationships generally aren’t easy whether they are with family, sweethearts, neighbors, or coworkers.
So, what do we do?
First, when picking a partner we need to look beyond the chemistry attraction, ask a lot of questions, listen to what our potential partners are saying and observe what they are doing. This helps us to eliminate the “love is blind” phenomenon so we can go in with our eyes wide open. When we have a full awareness of what we are getting into, and whom we are choosing, it leaves much less room for complaining and blaming down the line. Making wise choices is the first step to happily-ever-after.
If, however, you have already made your choice, you can still use your asking, listening and observing skills to deepen your understanding of your partner and practice your skills of acceptance. One of the challenging things we do in relationship is project our beliefs onto other people as if they are a movie-screen and we see them the way we think they are (or want them to be) instead of as they actually are. If we practice asking, listening and observing, we have the potential of minimizing our projections and loving the actual person instead of our illusion.
Secondly, recognize that differences aren’t automatically bad, in fact some differences are great teachers When I stopped resisting the way my husband was different from me, I started realizing what a benefit it was to have those differences. We brought a more interesting mix of skills, perspectives, abilities, interests and ideas to the relationship because of our differences. When we take a moment to really accept our partner’s way of being as just “what is,” instead of “what is wrong,” we have a much better chance of learning how to cohabitate happily with each other. By asking myself when I was judging a difference, “How is this way of being a blessing in my life?” I was amazed at how quickly I could turn a judgment into a blessing—without my husband having to change a thing.
Learning to identify when differences are based in a conflict of core values (integrity, spirituality, respect) and when the differences are merely based in personality preferences can be an invaluable skill. Identifying core value differences early on can help avoid a head-on collision by helping you to avoid the relationship in the first place.
What I am suggesting is that we can actually merge the two worlds in a healthy, mutually beneficial way. However, this is unlikely to happen automatically; you need to do so with intention. You will need some skills, and you will need awareness. You need to keep your goal in mind and align all your words, thoughts and actions with what you are trying to create.
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
How are your differences actually blessings?
Love Tip of the Week:
The secret is not just meeting the right partner and falling in love, but treating that partner with love, kindness, respect and acceptance, while learning from and teaching each other, so that you are continuously growing in love.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. It is open 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.