Then it’s time for some confidence-building exercises.Dear Eve,
What advice would you give if a young man sees an attractive woman and would like to get to know her better but believes the woman would not be interested in him or would not put much merit into his invitation?
Hi,
My advice is that you, respectfully, ask the woman out and see what the truth is, rather than what your imagination tells you. I say this because I have had men tell me (years later) that they had liked me, but had been scared to say something to me, thinking I wouldn’t like them. (While I sat around wondering why no one was asking me out, and why men didn’t approach me at dances/clubs, etc.) It isn’t fair to you, or the woman, to make a negative assumption about how she will respond.
Unless she has already made it clear to you that she really is not interested, let her know politely and respectfully that you are interested. You could simply say, “You seem like a really great person and I’d like to get to know you better,” and see what she says and does.
In reality, the worst-case scenario is that she’ll say no—and you are left without her in your personal life. However, you don’t have her in your personal life now so, your situation would be no worse than before you asked!
Before you do this though, you may want to do a few self-esteem enhancing exercises so that you know why she should want to go out with you. Otherwise, your own belief that if she were really wise she would refuse you, may send a subtle message to her that she should say no. Your own attitude and “energy” can actually sabotage the situation. These exercises are not meant to develop your ego, but rather to assist you in recognizing your own good nature, your own good qualities—your true self. While ego will push other people away, confidence is a very attractive trait. See if you can enhance yours a bit before you attempt to ask her out.
- Make a list of what you like, love admire and appreciate about yourself! These never need to be said to anyone else, necessarily, but you will approach her more confidently if you have a strong sense of your good qualities in advance.
- Look into a mirror, deeply into your own eyes and hold the look while you say to yourself the things from your list in the first exercise. It is not possible for us to believe other people’s compliments of us, if we have not first thought them—and said them to ourselves.
- Become self-observant of your “self-talk.” Self-talk is the babble you say to yourself inside your head. Self-talk can be positive, encouraging, supportive and constructive, or it can be negative, discouraging, and destructive—weakening us and stopping us from taking risks and showing the world our best self. As you pay attention to what you are telling yourself, begin replacing the automatic negative commentary and put downs with words that are more in alignment with your goals.
- If there truly is some compelling reason that this young woman should say no to dating you (like you are already involved with someone else, you are not really interested in her as a person but are just interested sexually, you have a tendency to be unkind, uncaring or abusive, etc), then do her and yourself a favor and don’t ask her out.
If you were going to a job interview it would be quite common for them to ask you questions about your strengths and skills and why you should be hired. If you don’t know your own good qualities, you won’t get the job. The same holds true in romance... if you want to get the girl, you have to “hire yourself” first!
Best of luck to you!
With aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Why should someone say yes to dating (marrying, living with…) you?
Love Tip of the Week:
Every minute of time you put into truly loving and appreciating yourself (or altering your behavior so that you do…) is time invested in also being more lovable to others.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. It is open 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.