I want more than he seems to be offering.Dear Eve,
I’ve recently started dating a guy who I really like. The problem is that he has mentioned more than once that he isn’t a “good boyfriend type,” and he says things like I’m too good for him. When I’m with him, he is very nice to me, but he doesn’t show much interest beyond our weekend dates. I want more than he seems to be offering. What is your take on the situation?
Wondering...
Aloha,
In my experience, odd as it sounds, people tend to tell us right in the beginning what the problem is going to be. They say things like, “I’m not a good boyfriend type,” or “My religion and yours are not compatible,” or “I’m not worthy of someone like you. I’m not good enough.” Sometimes they even say things like, “I’m not good at being monogamous,” or “I’ll never love again,” or “I don’t ever want to have children.” And we, typically wanting to create the relationship anyway, tend to think, “It will be different this time... he’ll be good to me,” or “She’ll change her ways for me....” Off we go into the relationship, only to find that he or she was, indeed, telling us the truth in the first place—the painful truth, but the truth none-the-less.
The key here is to really pay attention to what people tell us in the dating process (and to pay attention to what we are telling them too!). If you proceed into the relationship knowing that he isn’t a “good boyfriend type,” you shouldn’t be too surprised when that is how he shows up.
When he tells you that you are “too good for him, that he doesn’t deserve you,” this is often an indicator of low self-esteem. If that is his belief about himself, you can almost be guaranteed that at some point he will sabotage the relationship in order to prove himself right. He’ll do something that hurts you and then say, “I knew it... I’m no good. You deserve someone better,” as if that is an excuse. He’ll then use the behavior to justify his comments. This is how patterns emerge.
So the moral of the story? When you hear relationship-limiting statements like that, ask for clarification and have a heart-to-heart discussion about what he means, what he wants, what you want and whether there is any point in continuing to date. For instance, when he says he isn’t a “good boyfriend type,” you might want to ask him what that means to him, how he does define himself and what you can, realistically expect along the way. You might even ask him what a “good boyfriend type is,” which will certainly let you know what you cannot expect!
Then, use your head in the domain of the heart. If you decide to proceed, know that you are not a victim, it was a choice based on the current “facts.”
Also, it is very helpful to have a clear picture of your “non-negotiable” issues when you are dating. Non-negotiable issues are the really important things, not superficial things like how tall he is, or his hair color, but things like whether your spiritual beliefs can coexist, or whether you both want kids or not, or a positive attitude and approach to life. A non-negotiable may simply be that you want someone who is emotionally available, who isn’t afraid to love. If the non-negotiable issues aren’t a match, or at least complementary, reconsider the wisdom of dating him. Often a heart-to-heart discussion right up front can create clarity for both people.
I wish you the best.
With Aloha,
Eve
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Do you think in terms of “we” or “I”?
Love Tip of the Week:
Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Pay attention also to what you say and do in regards to your partner. Not only is it important to make the right choices in a partner, but to be the right choice as a partner.
Eve Hogan, author of How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and Way of the Winding Path, is also the proprietor of The Sacred Garden, a nursery and healing sanctuary in Makawao. It is open 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily. For coaching or speaking events, call (808) 573-7700. Website: www.EveHogan.com. Blog: www.AskEveAdvice.com. Send questions to AskEveAdvice@aol.com.